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hey... curtis... [Oct. 30th, 2007|05:49 pm]
[m00d |:-|]

Curtis Ezekeil Adarme
October 25, 2007

Yeah... He was born... 46 days after I was told he existed... I even saw a picture...

So what happens now... In my head, whenever I think of her, I say "I fuckin' hate you," over and over and over... I've seen Curtis' picture now and I dont even know what to feel... I guess I wait for the mother to call...

Maybe I won't get over this... Maybe I just have to live with it... I'm sure I'll feel better eventually... Trying to be optimistic here... Although I have a feeling (here we go) that if Mariah is lying to me again about her plans... Then eventually shes going to fuck with me again as soon as she decides shes over the whole 'love' or 'caring' thing. There will be a day she stops caring and THEN... unknown

I'll go back to waiting...
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well im the fool... [Oct. 15th, 2007|10:11 pm]
[m00d |hopeless man]

im the fool... that fucking believed whatever the fuck mariah said... the fool that believed that shit from day one... that she was on birth control.. that she had this shit under control... that she was going to get it taken care of... Im such a fucking fool man... How much advise have i been given over my lifetime did i throw out the window for this?

There have been alot of times when ive been like depressed and shit, I feel like im never going to get over this though... i guess i will.. but fuck man SOMEWHERE out there SOMEWHERE will be a little guy thats mine.. theres NO FUCKING POSSIBLE WAY TO JUST FORGET IT FOREVER... for the rest of my fucking life im just going to be the dad that let his kid be raised shittly by some fake parents... Mariah can at least say she did whats best for a child... not me though, all i did was believe a bunch of bullshit... Im sure he would love to meet the dad that never wanted him when he gets older... Yeah this is my punishment though.. for 20 years of being a complete asshole and not giving a fuck about anyone or anything, lying, stealing all amounts to this, I'm going to have to live with this...

Man mariah tries to like... get me to understand whats its like for her.. OK HOW BOUT THIS.. I PUT MYSELF IN YOUR SHOES, AND THIS WOULD BE OVER RIGHT NOW AND EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY... i would start by doing birth control correctly, maybe contacting steve when i found out this happened, then i would have gotten a much cheaper abortion early in the pregnancy, rather than putting it off while misleading steve about it and acting like i was actually going to go through with it...

On top of all this... I can't even really say for sure shes going to do this adoption thing. It's probably just more bullshit to keep me quiet... more lies etc... then she can just live the rest of her life listening to people talk shit about how much of a shitty person i am when they find out shes a singly mother or whatever... And sure she claims that she thinks this is her fault and shit, but down the road i KNOW this will come back to haunt me... I'll come up on some money or something and SUDDENLY she will come back to me trying to ruin me for the 2nd time... Shit like that happens all the time I bet, and you never hear the dudes side of it... I think I know the average dudes story now though...

Man right now... I dont want to see her, talk to her, think about her, or have any fucking thing to do with her...

Man i feel hopeless, I hope i can just forget this shit.. i hope it all just slips my mind and i never think about it...
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MOTHER FUCKER [Oct. 8th, 2007|01:20 pm]
[m00d |fuck you]
[music |fuck you]

Mariah is fucking ruining my fucking life right now and I can't get mad at anyone because it will just make things worse but im fucking so over the edge right now... I cant fucking think or do anything and i just want to fucking break everything i look at and kill everyone that pisses me off... words cant even describe how fucking far gone i am... Im so fucking over her and her fucking games... its like every bad thing i have ever done in my life is now being karma'd back at me times like 50... every person ive pissed off or made felt bad is all getting added up and landing on me and this shit is mother fucking out of hand... and how the fuck did i let this happen.. i will never know..
but im going all out over these next few days cause i really give a fuck....
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